Day 16
Today is officially day number 16 since Cassie left for China. It has been tiring mentally, but thank god that I could numb myself with work practically everyday. So I guess the impact of having to survive 2weeks (till now), was pretty minimal. Guess the real pain in the ass would start when I'm not working and have nothing to distract myself from, and when she leaves for a short holiday from the 24th - 25th and have no real internet connection. Life would pretty much suck then..
Enjoyment?
I remember how Cassie used to tell me before she left, that she wanted me to enjoy my 28days without her, by hanging out with friends and catching up, playing pool, bowling and the likes of it. Even though I agree with this train of thought, but in reality now, I practically avoid all forms of activities taking place at night, as I need to Skype her. Even when I plan for activities, I do not really want to travel far, as it gives me too much room to think and ponder through stuff, sometimes worrying myself. So what happens in the end is that I tend to avoid going out too much where possible. Even though I have a real craving for pool and all, I really do not want to travel out of Hougang just to play and risk myself getting upset for nothing.
Doubts
Sometimes I wonder, am I being too 'sticky'? Needing constant updates on her life where possible, SMS-es (2 at the very bare minimum) when internet connection is not available, Skype every night..... There was one night when we were whatsapp-ing till 10.33PM, and when she had not replied, I initially figured that she was online and just waiting for me to be done with dinner and we could start Skype-ing. However, numerous whatsapp messages to her were not seen or replied to. Even my Skype calls could not go through. I got super worried and even called her handphone using my handphone. This situation lasted for an hour. Even though in between it had came to my thoughts that she could be asleep and that it was nothing bad (as what I always picture -- rape, kidnap, etc), but as time dragged on, the negative thoughts started to take control. When she finally replied, I was so relieved, but at the same time, pretty pissed off. To me, it wasn't a problem of wanting to sleep, but rather the problem of not informing. I guess to most people it ain't a big fuss, but when someone you love is a stranger in a land of strangers, any form of situation could occur. Seriously. Besides that, Cassie had made a promise that she would tell me before she slept, in the sense of pre-sleep warning. However, it was sort of a broken promise. And I guess to me that hurts terribly. Even though she might not have meant it, but it would instil doubts into the most confident person in the world. Where do I stand? What am I to her? Has anything in the relationship changed? Are we still strong? Or will we end up walking down the path of breaking up? That is why I got very emotional for the next 24hours, as these questions raced about my head without any proper closure.
Naggings
It's been so long, and I still miss you terribly. Do take loads of care (I know I tell you that often, but it's something that I have to re-iterate everytime, or else I would feel uneasy, that if *touch wood* something bad happens to you, I would feel that I did not do my part in trying to keep you safe, though it doesn't really serve any purpose), drink more warm water, cover up as much as possible, and do miss me too. I can't wait for the 30th to see you again, and continue our story where we left off.
I love you darling. I know that this is the right relationship for me, just whether it is for you.
TIME LEFT: 12DAYS 18HOURS
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