Goodbye

Habits

KFC - 2 piece chicken, no breast meat, crispy, drinks pepsi, change coleslaw to cheese fries.

No chili, no raw food, no milo, no coconut milk.

Honey glazed chicken, cheese sausages, cheese balls, squid head, taiwan sausages, cottage pie.

Loves black, loves cats, loves dogs, loves hamsters.

35-jeans.

faceshop, bodyshop, grapefruit.

issy miyake.

timex.

pepper lunch rib-eye steaks.

hates oysters.

likes mushrooms. broccoli, cream of mushroom soup.

It hurts to think and remember.

Awkwardness

My niece was giving me her routine good-bye kiss, and asked me, 'Kiss for jiejie?'

I didn't know what to tell her.

It hurt.

It's the end?

The past few days have been a flurry of events. Many things have happened ever since the homecoming of the girlfriend. In essence, we broke up due to a breakdown in communication. And probably many other small things.

I won't deny that I might have done things better in some ways, but I am very certain that what I have done is the best that I do. And I do everything for a reason.

When she was in Langkawi, I was insistent on knowing when her flight back was, and wanted updates on her life and schedules. But apparently her mum didn't think she needed to contact me at all. Just cause they were together. Which brought to my mind, then why does she feel the constant need to make her daughter update her on her whereabouts, when she was obviously with me, in Singapore?

Because she worries. Even when her daughter was with me, she worries.

And so, why can't she understand that I worry too? I want to know that she is fine, just like you as parents are. Cause I loved her as much as you all do. And it hurts that you all don't see it the way I do. Will sending an SMS out to pacify her boyfriend cost you a fortune?

Would you guys prefer if she had a boyfriend who was possessive in such sense to want to know what was happening to her, or would you prefer a boyfriend who didn't give a hoot about her whereabouts?

You worry; but I do too.

Her dad was upset about the 'both sides of the hand are flesh' issue. I told him, it was a metaphor that was used by her daughter. Not me. But to him, he felt that their 21 years of looking after her was much more important than the 21 months we spent together. Of course, I'm just directly quoting what he mentioned.

But what IS the difference? Do you think I do not love her as much as you guys do? It ain't about the period. It's about the proximity of two people. And I dare to say that what I have done for her ain't less than what you have done for her, barring that you guys did create her.

I send her home almost every night, barring times when we were in my house area. And I dare to say that that's at least 80 percent of the time, that I send her home. Why? Because I worry. I know that if anything bad befalls on her, it will forever be on my conscience. What if she got molested? What if she got robbed? And that it is why I send her home no matter how tired I am. And after that I would bus home, as I would want to save the money for her to cab when she's in my area.

I get her to tell me the taxi driver's name and cab number. Yes this is strange. But what harm is there in doing so? If you are going to message and let me know that you are missing me, taking an extra minute to see the information and letting me know won't hurt. Because what will happen if something happens to her? What if just because she went home alone, she encountered a case of kidnapping?

Yes, I may be thinking too much, but isn't it always better to err on the side of caution? If something really happened, that simple gesture will be the lifesaving grace.

Is it wrong to tell my girlfriend not to put make up? Yes, she may feel inferior on that day, as she has a bad pimple breakout, but the thing is, I do not feel a need to. I love her just the way she is - her natural self, with no make up. I love her for who she is, not how and what she is. I love her without make up just as much as I love her with it. And that's why to me, there is no need for her to put any make up on when she is out with me, especially if it's just to somewhere nearby.

Granted, I may not be the perfect boyfriend, but hey, who will ever be perfect? I admit that there are things that I have not done for her, like our scrapbook, that has always been on the back-burner because there are always other stuff to do. But I believe I've been a boyfriend who has done his part well.

Yes, I may have raised the issue of asking her if she wants to break up. Maybe too often for her parent's liking, but then again, I have always been brutally honest in this relationship. I believe that when things happen, it happens for a reason. And if I feel that it could be because she wants to break up, then I'll just say so. But never once in this relationship have I asked her to break up.

Her dad was saying that I was not suitable for her. Based on just the quarrel that we had. Honestly, that's a myopic view of things. Yes, you asked her why she was sad, but have you ever asked why she was happy?

So I talked to my dad and friends, and everyone agrees, that a relationship should just be based on two people, and not dictated by parents. Sure you can raise your displeasure, but it should always be in a supporting role of the situation.

Delia asked me, if you get back together, what will you do different? I told her nothing. Not that I think I am perfect, but because that this is the way I love. I check on you cause I care, I worry cause I love you. You may think it's chauvinist, but then again, would you want someone who totally ignores your safety and well-being?

And what have I done wrong? I asked the girlfriend, but there was no answer.

And her parents encouraged her to ignore me for the past 2 days. Seriously, what is the meaning of this? To let her cheer up and put someone in agony? I would think that if in your heart I was immature in some sense, this action of yours is immature too.

There are many things typed in here that I never got to explaining to her or her family. And so I chose to blog, in the minute possibility that someone will read and vindicate me of the blame.

But I end this relationship knowing I have done the best that I could, and if the parents think that there will be someone more suitable, then I wish them the best of luck in finding one.

Nonetheless, I keep the memories of:

Sending her home every time without fail
Ensuring her safety by checking on her periodically
Prepping her for her interview
The celebration of her entering her school
The celebration of my award in studies
The celebration of landing a job
Cooking and eating
Sleeping
Talking nonsensical stuff without any worries
Minute planning for the future

deep within my heart. There are many things that are memories that I will keep for life, good or bad, sweet or sad.

I am sad that it has to end. But if you think it is for the good of your daughter then by all means. I want the best for her too.

I know that deep down, I have done the best that I can be.

And deep down she knows it too.

Deep down, she knows that she still loves me, even if it is not meant to be.

I love her too, but alas, I guess it doesn't matter any more, does it?

What will be, will be.

If you love me as much as you think you do, you will fight to be with me. Cause if you do, I will too.

To the special you:

I know that you will read this blog one day, but when exactly, I won't know. If you ever do, please drop an SMS and let me know. I have promised your dad not to contact you for a few months to let you chill, and I plan to uphold that promise. But if you have seen my point of view, that will be the best thing that can happen to me now.

Thank you for being a part of my life. If life was a railway station, I thank you for boarding my train. But it's sad that you have to go so soon. I will never understand how things just turned from good to worst in 1 week. But it is your life, it is your decision. I respect it, just as how I've been telling you how I will.

And let me say the sacred 3 words to you once more.

I

LOVE

YOU.

With this, I end my post. I have made known my stance, I have explained my actions.

选择

活了23年，现在终于要毕业了。

离开学生的生活，慢慢步入当个工作人士。这变化，大得让我害怕。

回头想想，其实生存了这么久，23年的路，自己从来没有过如此大的选择权。

小学，不懂事，只求玩耍游戏。一切听从大人的指示，不要挨骂挨打就好！

中学，装懂事，常与父母亲顶嘴。但踏上的路，还是没跟“正道”偏离过。

考完 'O' 水准， 成绩算好，但还是不知道自己想要什么，就和一大堆不知去向的学生踏进了初级学院。

考完 'A' 水准了，还是不知道自己想在这人生中有什么打算，就选择与大伙学生进大学。

大学生涯里，因为不知道想要什么，还是只能用功读书。希望让自己有更多的选择。

现已经要从大学毕业了，虽然自己觉得自己或许会踏上哪一种路，但还是不清楚这是不是自己所要做的事。

你，真的要在银行里做工吗？

真的要卖保险吗？

真的要，选择了吗？

这一切，是真的吗？

毕业了，烦恼更多了。

我还能像个无忧无虑的小孩，不顾一切，享受自己吗？

只剩下最后的大考了。

让我最后一次体验，无须做选择的快感。

我的人生，就要开始了。

China 2

Hi baby, I know this post is long overdue, but I seriously have not had much time to write anything down.. The tests came one after another, and with a project group that seems pretty weak, I have to bear most of the burden of lifting them through (hopefully)! Now, finally with all my tests down, I can breathe a sigh of relief.. But that does not mean that I will be very free! Still got one last project to do, which takes up 40% of my final grades. It's a 6000 word project, so you know how content intensive it's going to be! So just to warn you baby.. I will try to do as much as I can before night falls so we can Skype. But no promises ok bb? I'm just worried about the substandard work by my group.. Sometimes they can soooo piss me off....

Anyway baby hope you have been doing well in China! Even though we Skype practically every night, I know you still prefer to have me around physically. I do too, but I guess sometimes we have to be apart right? Remember the phrase, that a 'slight separation can lead to a mini fall in love again'. Hugs. I do love you baby, so do not worry about that ok?

Do drink more warm water, eat regular meals and not snack unless really hungry, and stay warm (or cool) depending on the weather! Muacks. It's roughly 2 weeks 5 days more! We can do it! And when you are back we can go kai kai like last time! But I also need to study kk baby? You also want to be monetarily strong next time right? Hugs.

Thanks baby, for being so understanding about my tests and need to study, so you just stay quiet on Skype.. If your mum appears online, just go Skype them! Hugs. I know you want to be there for me. But I don't want you to get scolding again just cause you are on Skype but don't talk to them!

Thanks baby, for letting me use your ATM card. I still feel bad about it. That's why I only use it for things like topping up or emergency money when I need it! Hugs. I like the way you trust me with it. =)))

Thanks baby, for not insisting on blog-writing. I know you have been CRAVING to read something like that for awhile.. But seriously no time la.. Stupid school! Wish I didn't have to study anymore. And don't have to work also got money.... So we can spend more time together...

Hugs. Anyway I have to prepare to go school already! Baby take loads of care ok? If you just ate, don't lie down immediately on your soft soft de tummy. or else wait stomach pain! hugs.

I miss you baby.

<3


FROM YOUR FOREVER CUTE AND HANDSOME DA NAN REN. =)

Worth

Sometimes, minute actions can cause someone to doubt their own worth. It does not matter how much you say you care. How much you say you cherish. How much you say you love. Because in the end, it isn't what you say that matters. Talking is cheap. Actions will determine everything.

Subconsciously, I am sure that you are not proud to be with me. Why else the need to remove the picture off the timeline? It feels as if you do not want any of your friends to see it. And to minimise the possibility of people seeing it. It's these small minute actions that betray what you really think of the relationship.

It hurts to be me.

No matter how much I give in to the relationship, it just feels that it is a worthless cause. That you are still not proud of being with me. If so, what's the point of holding on?

I hate it.

I really really hate it.

If you really feel this way, just let go. Let it all end. Let the pain be a shorter one.