Christmas

Well, I got an early Christmas gift from Santa, when Cassy wasn't told me she wasn't leaving her China house till tomorrow (hence 24hours more of sustainable pain, curbed by contact through whatsapp and Skype). =) I'm starting to believe the tibetian temple and lama that blessed us was the true deal. Haha.

Today on facebook, I saw Dawn's status, which was very emotional. So I messaged her to check on her. I knew that she had quarrelled with her boyfriend 2days ago, so I thought that they quarrelled again. She had some form of depression before, so I felt it best to check in on her. Apparently it wasn't her boyfriend causing the problem now, but she told me that her boyfriend and her were cold warring for the past 2 days. Her boyfriend had a lot of commitment issues, and stood her up often on dates. So I told her to forget it, and that if it was me, I would have given up the relationship already. She told me that she was very tolerant, and I replied that my girlfriend was too. =) She then told me that I must treasure her. Which I told her that I do. =) Ok, looking at what I typed, I think it's very random, but still, my point is that I do treasure you, Cassy. And I will always do so!!

Merry Christmas darling! And many more to come (as long as we are alive and well)! Do you know the song "All I want for Christmas is You"? Well. That's exactly what I feel now.

All I want for Christmas is you, Cassy. =)

I love you.

TIME LEFT: 5DAYS 22HOURS

PS: I'VE FINALLY SENT A SONG THAT I WANTED TO LET YOU HEAR. LYRICS ARE BELOW:

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer


I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more


Time stands still
Beauty I know she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath,
Every hour has come to this

One step closer


I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

The Final Leg

The last week of pain and torture! *CELEBRATIONS* Finally we have made it to the final 7days. =) I'm so looking forward to when you are coming back darling. =)

However, before that joyous moment can arrive, we have one final mountain to climb - the 2 days of holidays for you. I know you have been practicing hard for this one month dear, and having to cope it with whatsapp-ing me ain't easy. And that 2 days would be a good time to chill and relax after such a tormentous one month abroad. I hope you do have fun too, but do not ever forget about letting your boyfriend know that you are fine ok? I am so worried that I will lose my temper during the two days (I know you are too), but I promise you that I will try to keep everything in check ok? I will be soooooo looking forward to the time when you reach back to your China lodging and whatsapp/Skype me! This would mean 5days left, and that we have survived one of the worst obstacles in China!

Dear, I know you are trying your best for us, and I want you to know that this is not unnoticed by me. I just want you to know that I am grateful for it. It is in me to worry, and no matter how much I try to reason to myself that nothing will happen, I still will. I trust you will be safe and stay true to me, but I guess my imagination is just too fertile for my own good. I'm sorry darling. But I will use these upcoming two days to try and change it, or at least, curb it to an extent. I want you to have fun dear! Really! =)

Just to re-iterate, I want us to be together forever. =)

I love you, Cassy Wang Ming Min. =)

TIME LEFT: 7 DAYS 4HOURS

玻璃。心

易碎的心，漂泊在人群中。它，不断的徘徊于从前，让她一伤再伤。害怕悲剧的重演，让她无法走出只限有黑与白的世界。

下雨天，仿佛是想念的季节。两人曾经留下的美好记忆，霎时间变成了折腾她的恶魔。她哭了。

但她是否可知，在打开心房的那瞬间，雨后的太阳，能让她的玻璃心呈现出灿烂的彩虹呢？

Missing you

Couldn't really fall asleep, so thought that I might as well type something now instead of waiting for the day.

Day 16

Today is officially day number 16 since Cassie left for China. It has been tiring mentally, but thank god that I could numb myself with work practically everyday. So I guess the impact of having to survive 2weeks (till now), was pretty minimal. Guess the real pain in the ass would start when I'm not working and have nothing to distract myself from, and when she leaves for a short holiday from the 24th - 25th and have no real internet connection. Life would pretty much suck then..

Enjoyment?

I remember how Cassie used to tell me before she left, that she wanted me to enjoy my 28days without her, by hanging out with friends and catching up, playing pool, bowling and the likes of it. Even though I agree with this train of thought, but in reality now, I practically avoid all forms of activities taking place at night, as I need to Skype her. Even when I plan for activities, I do not really want to travel far, as it gives me too much room to think and ponder through stuff, sometimes worrying myself. So what happens in the end is that I tend to avoid going out too much where possible. Even though I have a real craving for pool and all, I really do not want to travel out of Hougang just to play and risk myself getting upset for nothing.

Doubts

Sometimes I wonder, am I being too 'sticky'? Needing constant updates on her life where possible, SMS-es (2 at the very bare minimum) when internet connection is not available, Skype every night..... There was one night when we were whatsapp-ing till 10.33PM, and when she had not replied, I initially figured that she was online and just waiting for me to be done with dinner and we could start Skype-ing. However, numerous whatsapp messages to her were not seen or replied to. Even my Skype calls could not go through. I got super worried and even called her handphone using my handphone. This situation lasted for an hour. Even though in between it had came to my thoughts that she could be asleep and that it was nothing bad (as what I always picture -- rape, kidnap, etc), but as time dragged on, the negative thoughts started to take control. When she finally replied, I was so relieved, but at the same time, pretty pissed off. To me, it wasn't a problem of wanting to sleep, but rather the problem of not informing. I guess to most people it ain't a big fuss, but when someone you love is a stranger in a land of strangers, any form of situation could occur. Seriously. Besides that, Cassie had made a promise that she would tell me before she slept, in the sense of pre-sleep warning. However, it was sort of a broken promise. And I guess to me that hurts terribly. Even though she might not have meant it, but it would instil doubts into the most confident person in the world. Where do I stand? What am I to her? Has anything in the relationship changed? Are we still strong? Or will we end up walking down the path of breaking up? That is why I got very emotional for the next 24hours, as these questions raced about my head without any proper closure.

Naggings

It's been so long, and I still miss you terribly. Do take loads of care (I know I tell you that often, but it's something that I have to re-iterate everytime, or else I would feel uneasy, that if *touch wood* something bad happens to you, I would feel that I did not do my part in trying to keep you safe, though it doesn't really serve any purpose), drink more warm water, cover up as much as possible, and do miss me too. I can't wait for the 30th to see you again, and continue our story where we left off.

I love you darling. I know that this is the right relationship for me, just whether it is for you.

TIME LEFT: 12DAYS 18HOURS

Inching forward

One day at a time, slowly but surely. Nearing to the date of the 30th.

Can't wait to see you dear. =)

TIME LEFT: 15DAYS 0HOURS

Reliance

The only real thing keeping me going everyday is the time that I can spend Skype-ing with Cassie. Life has been tiring, but every time I think about it, I would just look at my watch and think, ' a few more hours to Skype'. And that has been the way for quite awhile. I guess that is why I've been wearing a watch, as it gives me instant gratification to know that I am always closer to spending time online with Cass. =)

TIME LEFT: 17 DAYS 1 HOUR

The start of the 1- days

Yay finally! After 9 gruelling days, we have finally made it to the countdown of days starting with 1! 19days today! Soon it will be 09,08 etc.... =)

Anyway, last night showed me how much I worried. Probably excessively. I don't know. But I got really worried when Cassie's video feed got cut off as she fell asleep. Told myself that it was okay, that she was just asleep. But when she didn't reply or do anything to contact me till 6plus am, I got really worried and had to call her. I got so afraid when her Skype was offline, and the first time that I called her, it couldn't go through. Only served to make me more worried. Luckily the rest of the calls went through... Owells. All's well that ends well. I guess.

Guess there isn't much other ways for me to show how much you means to me at the moment, but rest assured ok, I will show you with all the time that we have left in our lives.

I LOVE YOU GIRLFRIEND.

=)

TIME LEFT: 19DAYS 1 HOUR

此刻的心情

有一种想见不敢见的伤痛，有一种爱还埋藏在我心中，我只能把你放在我的心中。

这一种想见不能见的伤痛，让我对你的思念越来越浓，我却只能把你把你放在我心中。

One week down.

ONE WEEK IS FINALLY DOWN!! Congrats darling, we have survived one quarter of the way through. Do you feel my unwavering love for you through Skype? =)

This one week hasn't been without its toils and turmoil. We have quarrelled, gotten angry, gotten upset, felt lost and confused, but it all serves just to put us in a stronger steed in the face of love. =)

Thank you darling, for being patient with me with regards to my over-sensitiveness. And for whatsapp-ing me whenever you are free. I really appreciate all your efforts A LOT. I know I may not have been in the bestest mood for the past week, and you are suffering too. But I'm trying my utmost best to be happy and hence let you enjoy your time practicing as much as you can. Do you sense it? I know you do, judging by how often you have been telling me that you are happy recently. =)

Well, at this time last week, you had just arrived at your teacher's house. Look how long we have survived!

To be honest, this one week has felt like a month. Like I told you, this feels like I'm holding my breath underwater for an extended period of time. I really can't wait to see you in the flesh again!!

Spent my whole Friday till now just sleeping and Skype-ing Cassie. In the way, it's a lifestyle I can see myself adopting if I wasn't working. It makes life simply more bearable, as I spend most waking moments with her, and sleeping away all the rest of the time. HAHA. But at the same time, it would be bad if I get emotionally disturbed, and have nothing to distract me. Owells, random doodlings.

I love you darling. =)

Smile more cos you look pretty. =)

TIME LEFT: 21 DAYS 4HOURS

loves

[6:00:52 AM] cassywang: morning dear!

[6:01:07 AM] cassywang: julian!julian!julian!julian!julian!julian!julian!

[6:01:18 AM] cassywang: good morning my love

[6:01:19 AM] cassywang: (:

[6:01:21 AM] cassywang: <3

[6:01:27 AM] cassywang: Have you rested well?

[6:01:34 AM] cassywang: and feel better??

[6:01:38 AM] cassywang: hugs

[6:02:42 AM] cassywang: i hope you wont wake up now

[6:02:58 AM] cassywang: as much as you want to see me and i wanna see you.

[6:03:22 AM] cassywang: i want you to be able to sleep unstaggered. and properly till later on.

[6:03:28 AM] cassywang: it's way too early to wake up.

[6:03:42 AM] cassywang: hugs

[6:23:38 AM] cassywang: (:

[6:23:48 AM] cassywang: sweet dreams luv.

[6:24:21 AM] cassywang: text me okay?

[6:24:48 AM] cassywang: you can cheer me up all the way from home.

[6:25:01 AM] cassywang: make me feel warm & fuzzy

[6:25:09 AM] cassywang: (h)

[6:25:16 AM] cassywang: taichi folks are here

[6:25:20 AM] cassywang: going off already

[6:25:34 AM] cassywang: remember that i love you.

[6:25:39 AM] cassywang: very very much.

[6:25:47 AM] cassywang: hugs

[6:25:59 AM] cassywang: talk later dear!

[6:26:01 AM] cassywang: <3

[6:26:12 AM] cassywang: I LOVE YOU.

[6:26:16 AM] cassywang: (:

[6:26:32 AM] cassywang: muacks

[6:26:42 AM] cassywang: :*

Delusion

There are times when I think that I hear my phone vibrating, but it isn't. Is that a case of delusional thinking?

TIME LEFT: 23 DAYS 9 HOURS

眼与心

有时候，我们做人太过依赖于双眼。试问，曾几何时你尝试闭着眼睛向前走，或上下楼梯呢？

因为我们太担心，担心会摔着，受伤。

但我们为何不试着用心去感觉，相信它能带我们平安的抵达目的地？

放手一博，或许会让我们体会到别具一番的感觉。

领悟

Haven't been able to do a proper write up, as I've been very busy and tired everyday, rushing home after work just to Skype with Cassie as much as I can, as soon as I can.

Tonight, I finally have some time to write something, as she is busy at a wedding dinner. Hope everything is fine for her.

Was spending some time thinking on the train on the way home about us. Or to be exact, the way I am and how I treat her. It's an innate thing for me to be insecure and worried when it comes to relationships. It might have stemmed from the fact that Michelle had played me out once, even when I had forewarned her; or it could be simply due to the fact that I do not trust easily. A recurring thought keeps playing in my head- why would Cassie love me? However when we were together, I pushed this thought away, largely due to the fact that she was around me, so what did I have to worry of? Now that she's away, I keep thinking about this question. I guess if I do not get an answer that I think is plausible, I would always keep thinking about it..

Doubts creep in to me whenever we are separated. I worry that she would turn into Michelle, where she tries to two time me. However, Cassie reassures me often that this would not happen. Took some time to think through this matter, and I found myself with a daunting possibility- that even if she did, I would not have any knowledge about it.

So what could be done for me, in my shoes?

Nothing.

To be exact, nothing MORE that I can do. The only thing that I can do is to treat her right and nice (which I believe I do), and anything more would depend on her. There's no way that I can control her 24/7, especially since she's overseas. I just have to trust her enough that she is old enough to make the right decisions, and not hurt me or the relationship.

That's such a Zen way of thinking things. Hahaha. I wonder if I would be able to keep much to this train of thought.

I miss you, darling.

TIME LEFT: 24 DAYS 0HOURS

Choices

Faced with 3 choices in the evening on a Saturday.

1) Dr B's Christmas party (starts at 7pm)

2) Jan's 21st birthday party (starts at 7pm)

3) Skype-ing with Cass (time unknown)

The choice was clear. =)

TIME LEFT: 26DAYS 2HOURS

the greatest start to a morning

[12:19:07 AM] cassywang: ily

[5:51:47 AM] cassywang: good morning honey!'

[5:52:04 AM] cassywang: :)

[5:52:39 AM] cassywang: going for taichi soon. just got up and itsfreezing

[5:52:49 AM] cassywang: can't wear my ring on the fourth for awhile

[5:52:56 AM] cassywang: i'm afraid it'd fall off!

[5:53:02 AM] cassywang: 3rd it is.

[5:53:21 AM] cassywang: doesn't mean that i love you any less okay!

[5:53:23 AM] cassywang: hugs

[5:53:44 AM] cassywang: hope you've had a good rest.

[5:54:23 AM] cassywang: have a good day today~

[5:54:23 AM] cassywang: (:

[5:54:30 AM] cassywang: i'll talk to you when i can okay?

[5:54:34 AM] cassywang: love you

[5:54:40 AM] cassywang: read your posts!

[5:54:46 AM] cassywang: <3

[5:54:50 AM] cassywang: love you loads.

[5:55:24 AM] cassywang: anticipating the days when i see single digits.

[5:55:39 AM] cassywang: i told my mom i wanna go home she called me silly.

[5:55:49 AM] cassywang: told me to make the best of the time i'll be here.

[5:55:56 AM] cassywang: guess she's right.

[5:56:34 AM] cassywang: but i'm still feeling out of place in this unfamiliar environment.

[5:57:09 AM] cassywang: hoping to get more and more used to this so the next few weeks will pass more easily.

[5:58:20 AM] cassywang: gonna wash up now

[5:58:41 AM] cassywang: i'll be awaiting your many updates~

[5:58:43 AM] cassywang: !

[5:59:03 AM] cassywang: they're the things that'd keep me going in china.

[5:59:17 AM] cassywang: i miss you very very much.

[5:59:48 AM] cassywang: hugs

[6:00:01 AM] cassywang: LOVE YOU JULIAN SNG WEIWEI.

[6:00:11 AM] cassywang: <3

[6:00:29 AM] cassywang: toodles!

[6:00:56 AM] cassywang: text me okay? i wont reply all since you dont want me to waste money

[6:01:20 AM] cassywang: and my parents would murder us if the bill went sky high

[6:01:24 AM] cassywang: nevertheless.

[6:01:41 AM] cassywang: Love you honey!!

[6:01:46 AM] cassywang: loveyouloveyouloveyou~

[6:01:47 AM] cassywang: !

[6:02:12 AM] cassywang: xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Happiness

Happiness. It needn't be about expensive gifts. Or exquisite food.

Happiness came in its simplest form today: skype-ing with Cassie.

The past few hours were torturous. Totally not used to spending the afternoons and evenings without her. When she mentioned that she had internet access, I rushed home on a cab from katong. However I was firmly deterred by cabs that did not want to fetch people, or were just flagged by people in the front.

When a cab came, it was stopped frequently by endless red lights, and rain slowed its progress. It made me feel like shit as I was really looking forward to seeing her.

Finally at home, I discovered that my computer had been accidentally removed from the power supply before I left the house. I guess it was just one of those days that everything bad would stack up together.

And then, real happiness.

Seeing Cass's face online made me really happy and relieved. Happy to finally see a face that I had not seen for more than 12hours, and relieved that she was fine and well. =)

Happiness was just about being happy.

I love you darling. I truly do. =)

TIME LEFT: 26DAYS 19HOURS

Odd

It feels surprisingly odd leaving Bugis without you, or even without having the intention of meeting you.

Took the walk from office to the train station, and it was weird, not having someone next to me, talking, smiling and even holding hands. Have we been going out too much that we have became dependent on each other?

I don't think so. I think we have been going out too little that we have not learnt to be independent. I need my life to get back to its normal self. =(

I need you.

On another note, the morning started off really well for me! Woke up to a blinking Skype on the computer, and there were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many msgs from Cassie! It made me really happy to see all that. Thanks a lot darling. I know you are trying your best to make me happy and not worried, and you have been doing a great job! I feel so much better than when you went Bali. I guess partly because you are contacting me often, and that we have sorta been more settled into the relationship (Bali came too soon), or it could just be that I am subconsciously diversifying my angsty-ness through out these long period, so it takes a longer time to accumulate. Haha.

I know you feel home sick and want to return back to us, but persevere on ok, dear? And when you are back, please remain the same xiao nu ren to me. I do not want anything to have changed. Pinky promise? (YES YOU HAVE TO RESPOND TO THIS QUESTION WHEN YOU READ AND CONTACT ME)

I love you baobei. =)

TIME LEFT: 26 DAYS 3 HOURS

the countdown of 28days

And so, it began. Time just seems to be passing so slowly. Will the 28days pass by as quickly as i hope it would?

On another note, I bought brekkie for my family from the coffee shop below my house. 3 packets of carrot cake (one without chilli for my sick mum), and 6 baos for them. =)

Starting the trial of time well. At least I feel slightly better than when Cassie left for Bali. =) Good sign I hope! Guess the fact that she would have internet makes it better..

TIME LEFT: 27DAYS, 12 HOURS.

WE CAN DO THIS DARLING. =)

我很想她

“警察叔叔，你能帮我找人吗？”

“小妹妹，你的谁不见了啊?”

“叔叔，我的妈不见了！”

“她怎么不见了呢？”

“我不知道！平常都是妈妈叫我起床上学去，但今天妈妈却没有这样做！当我睡醒时，天色已亮，我很紧张，因为爸爸说过，好孩子是不会翘棵的！于是我便跑进妈妈的房间里，但她睡的很熟，我怎么叫她都不肯起床！之后我便立刻打电话给爸爸，跟他说我睡过头了，并告诉他妈妈迟迟不肯起床。”

“之后呢？”

“之后，爸爸挂了电话，不到半个小时便到家了。他立刻跑进房里，并关上了门。我猜想，爸爸应该是在骂妈妈，不想让我看见，才关上门的。过了没多久，爸爸出来，并跟我说，妈妈已经离开了。我不了解，妈妈明明就躺在床上，为什么爸爸说妈妈走了呢？我看见爸爸满脸的泪水，于是我也跟着哭了。”

“...”

“警察叔叔，你能帮我查查看，我妈妈到底去了哪里吗？她几时回来？我很想她！”

夜空

望着夜空上缀满星星的俩，诉说彼此的心声。

他与她的世界

男孩不敢大力的呼吸，因为他深怕躺在胸膛的女孩会不经意的起来。望着她深睡的眼牟，他突然觉得这脸孔如此的亲近，但也如此的遥远。

在那女孩的世界里，他，是否就存在呢？

O's note

This was written by my friend back in the secondary school days. She had folded 7 stars to wish me luck in all 7 subjects took by me for the 'O's, and had written a short note in it all. She had specifically told me not to open them up to read, and I have done so faithfully for the past 7 years (1year per star). Thanks O, you have been a really good friend in the past, even if we are no longer close now. I wish you the best in everything you are doing and please do know that I am here for you, as I was in the past.

Purple Star: Dear Julian, I really thank God for letting me know you. You are the sweetest, the kindest and the nicest guy ever. I know

Blue star: you do that to every girl. So to you, I am just another girl. But to me you are every special. I appreciate everything you

Gold Star: did and said to me. Your encouragements, support, hugs, "kisses", and even morning, noon, and night greetings

Silver Star: will be imprinted in my heart. I will always remember you!! So i wish you happy always! (hehe.. I know you will).

Pink star: And I really hope you will be able to find your Ms Right! She is somewhere in this part of the world. You must

Green Star: believe this ok?! You don't ever try committing suicide!!!Last but not least, you must get good results for your 'O' levels

Red Star: k? You must strive not to fail! Don't give up!! I will always support you. Remember that ok!? =) <3 Olivia 10.07.2004 (10.51PM)

When life was simple

Wasn't it too long ago, when as a baby (pre-schooler), life was easy and pure, where happiness revolved around eating and being at home with those you love?

When your favourite shows on TV got your undivided attention? When strangers were just friends unknown yet? When you could blabber about anything to anyone?

Wasn't it too long ago, when as a kid, life was simple and fun, where happiness revolved around hide-and-seek and running in the field?

When people annoyed you and the best retort you could come up with was "don't friend you"? When you confided in friends without any worries?

Wasn't it too long ago, when as a teenager, life was exciting and hectic, where being with close friends meant everything in the world to you? Skipping lessons, missing tuition, just because hanging out meant more to you than before?

What has life became? Doubts of others, insecurity of self, unhappiness with partners, all hidden in one self. Where happiness has slowly disintegrated to revolve primarily about money. Where you thought twice about sharing your worries.

Life is complex. Life is hard.

Can I go back to the times when I was still a kid, and happiness was candy defined?

I miss me. The old me.

Leaving

-

knowing death is approaching a relative does not make it better and easier to cope with.

"a few more months, at most."

it's saddening to hear that.

oh death.